Bubbling feelings

Nothing neat, but thoughts and feelings bubbling over.

Being home is so interesting. I kind of idolize my parents when I’m away, but sometimes can’t stand them when they are here. Two weeks non-stop is a bit tough though. There’s a lot to unpack.

Having a baby son makes me feel so vulnerable. I can’t die. I have to support him. I have to make sure everything is fine. I have to make sure he is loved. I have these weird dark thoughts imaging him alone in trouble and it is the most painful feeling ever. I want to always be there for him.

I realize Canada is tough for my wife. She doesn’t speak English really. My parents are tough for me but I know them. I’m trying my best to make her stay fine, but she gets stressed.

I’m worried I’ll never get properly organized. There’s so much I need to organize. I think that comes before everything else. I need to always have my mind and surroundings organized. I think I was semi-organized before, but with a son it feels impossible, but everyone does it.

I’m worried I left my roof balcony door open and that it’ll cost tens of millions of yen to fix and I won’t be able to move. I have to wait four more nights and a 10 hour flight to find out.

I’m hearing about baggage and feelings and people figuring things out and I get it, but I’m not understanding why people are talking about it out loud. I guess because we’re family and not strangers, but with being in Japan for so long my family can feel like strangers to me. I think that makes my parents sad, but I’m not really sure how to change it. We talk a lot though when I’m in Japan. Kind of weird.

My son is the grand unifier. Everyone loves him. Strangers love him. I’m often exhausted on this trip. I’m exhausted at home too honestly.

That’s it I think.