Klingsor's First Winter

僕：結局今日どうするんだっけ？実家行く？

妻：あー、妹に今日行くか聞いたけど、まだ返事ない

僕：今日行かなくても何かしたいね、どっか行きたいね

妻：まあ、そうね

僕：パンツあんまないから、3人で買いに行こうか

妻：お、イーオンに行く？

僕：いいね

僕：…

僕：私たちはもう家族になってんだね。日曜日のお出かけはお父さんのパンツを買いに行くことになっているんだ。やばいね。

妻：しかも私はテンション乗って、イーオンに行く提案も出して

Fin

He’s waking up a couple times a night again.

I thought this phase was done, but it is back and stronger than ever.

He likes sleeping on my hand, which is a little awkward.

He’s asleep now though, at 6:36am, so I have some precious morning alone time. This is different than any other alone time in the day, this is the most precious alone time. I look forward to this alone time becoming a regular thing in my life.

To just listen to records and drink tea and think about the day is what it is about.

We still haven’t bought the land. Maybe tomorrow? It the one we like gets sold to someone else, that would be our fault.

My son just cried out, but it looks like he may go back to sleep.

I may have a third cup of tea. I haven’t put on any records this morning because none of the records in the living room I really want to listen to, and I really don’t want to go to my room one floor down to think of a record to listen to.

Jawbreaker’s Dear You would be nice though.

He’s back asleep. Maybe I will bring Dear You up.

edit: he woke up right after publishing this.

My heroes shouldn’t be on social media. This is for us profane normal people.

My heroes are all 10-15 years older than me. The real trailblazers.

They shouldn’t be in any spotlight, those are for 20 and 30 year olds. What are they doing? They’re embarrassing themselves. Being on social media? Acting like a real human?

When I become a hero, I won’t be on social media.

I won’t write a blog.

I will be in obscurity. Loving life.

Oh my how less is so much more than more.

For example, does anyone need to read any of this? I can write it all out, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be shared.

My thoughts should be written in secrecy for my wife to find upon my death, with instructions for her to burn it all, and she will go behind my back and publish it.

And it will be panned.

I apologize for all the typos I make.

I’ll try and go through blog posts and get rid of them all dear Reader.

Being a kid, I assumed my parents. They were obviously there doing their role and in my journey of books and video games and music I didn’t really think of them too much.

When I played Final Fantasy at 6, or Dragon Quest 2 at 7, it was all about my journey in interactive stories.

It’s harder to picture this when my son is 6 or 7. Will he be also having independent experiences into imaginary worlds that will leave an imprint on him forever?

How would I feel about that as a parent? How did my parents feel about me, or was it even something they knew?

I really feels like the hours I spend with my son today before he will have any memory and helping him set up who he will be, so when he is the old age of 6 or 7, he hopefully also wants to explore in imaginary worlds of wonder. Worlds that I am not a part of, for I will merely be assumed.

May what he assumes be great.

We’ve been thinking about buying land and building a house forever. We are finally at the edge of a decision, and have all the plans, etc.

It’s… expensive. It’s not a light decision.

This fact has made me look at our budget, look at our spending, look at our investments, look at my job, look at the job market incase I lose it, look at how I can skill up to make myself for attractive in such a case, and look at many other aspects of it all.

Whether we buy or not, it was an amazingly good experience to sort through all of this.

Should have a decision made this week.

I had a work meeting the other day.

We have a small group in my office who are in charge of communicating in times of a catastrophe etc.

One person was a little apprehensive of joining and asked is there any legal risk of doing this in Japan.

So a meeting was set.

He overseas crisis person talked about how it was unlikely and about how the law is in Canada and Europe. He eventually always mentioned he assumes or imagines in the same in Japan.

In other words no definitive answer, but he didn’t see why he answer is good enough.

The person left the crisis cell.

I have a friend who left Japan to move back to America.

He was supposed to get money back from his realtor/landlord.

The amount was substantially less on documents because they could not deduct a fee from his account.

My friend says he definitely had money in there.

He doesn’t seem focused on how to prove this, but more on the fact that he “definitely” did and how they’re trying to scam him.

It is incredibly foreign to me for people to feel confident in making statements without having proof in front of them, or not have their immediate action plan being about how to ascertain said proof. Why does your confidence in a situation matter when you can’t proof it? How can another act based just on that confidence?

I’m not sure if this feeling of mine is inherently due to having lived in Japan a long time or not.

I didn’t get laid off. Others did. It’s good for not feeling loyalty to a place. You are gone when you’re inconvenient. You should leave when they are inconvenient.

My son is still waking up early. My wife is a little stressed again. Im handling it a lot better though. The “woe is me” feeling is waining and I would just want to get shit done.

Tomorrow I see Hot Water Music. Will be very good. Hope they have cool shirts and perhaps I can get Caution in a cool color.

I want to buy land soon. I’m tired of the pre-dance. Let me dance.

Son isn’t sleeping as well as he was.

My wife is at a part-time job today. My son is on a nap right now.

We’re progressing with home buying. Haven’t made a decision, but I want to get there this month.

I have a paranoid worry that my job will try and lay me off next week. It would make no sense, but I’ll be on edge until Thursday night.

I need to work harder at work to be more attractive as an HR manager to work at other foreign companies.

I’ve finally properly started investing in NISA. Would love to do the max for my wife and I every year.

Life is tough to be honest. I feel like I’m failing at some things, but I think I look like a decent success on the outside.

So it goes. So it goes.

Son hasn’t woken up in the night. Two nights in a row.

This is glorious.

We have been so stressed for reasons I don’t even know. I think for me it’s my wife’s stress, but I know some of her stress is from me, and of course we’re both stressed I think from that continued lack of personal time.

I’ve just been on my phone this morning, but if this keeps up, I will start running at 4am, which has been proven to be the first step to save my soul.

My son and I have had a cold. So that has stopped that and also has gotten me to go to sleep before 9pm. Honestly probably a very good thing showing me how easy it is to get up at 4am if sleeping 7 hours uninterrupted.

It sometimes feels a little embarrassing how we struggle with all this, knowing how common child raising is, and how mature we should be for doing this in our 40s. I don’t think we could imagine a second kid now, and my colleague who’s 48 just had his fourth! (His wife is younger.)

Time for another cup of tea. They’re all still sleeping upstairs.