Klingsor's First Winter

“Studying Japanese” is something that can feel omnipresent as a foreigner living in Japan. I would think no matter how fluent you become, this does not really change.

I haven’t studied Japanese in many years. I play video games in Japanese. I talk to my wife in Japanese. As part of my job in HR, I talk to many external vendors and government offices in Japanese. However, I don’t really study Japanese.

Since I changed from working at a Japanese university to working as a foreign company, I have been using Japanese a lot less, but a lot more externally. However, as the only HR person in my company, for whatever reason I have been a lot less shy about my lack of natural fluency. When I worked in a Japanese university, most people’s Japanese was really quite mindful and well constructed. I don’t really find that is the case in my current situation.

What I am trying to say is that I use Japanese a lot in daily life, but I haven’t really been studying it, or trying to improve it. There are chances that what I am doing that works is incorrect, and everyone around me just gets used to it. Sometimes when I speak with people I haven’t met before about complex topics, they have a hard time understanding me. I of course blame them for their blatant racism and oppression of me, but perhaps if you’re not used to how I speak Japanese, then I am very hard to understand?

I got up early this morning, and instead of being mindless on the old phone, I decided to turn on the TV. (Amazing to be in a world where turning on the TV is seen as the non-mindless action!)

They were analyzing poems and tanka, which my dictionary tells me is a 31-mora Japanese poem. (I didn’t look up mora).

In this non-business world, where people are playing with language for the expression of something in the soul, as opposed to the functioning of administration or accumulation of capital, language (perhaps obviously) becomes very different.

It makes me think about all the shortcomings of my Japanese, and how having better Japanese can enrich my life so much. Not just in this poetic sense, but this obvious shortcoming allows me to understand more the shortcomings in talking with my wife, my Japanese at work, and in other instances where it is “good enough for a foreigner” for sure, but let’s not shit ourselves, more fulfillment and meaning can be had.

(Note for my longtime readers: my wife appears to be getting better all around, which is allowing thoughts to spill out of me.)

When reading Narnia to my unborn son (who is now born), there was one concept in particular that has really made an impression on me, and that I think about every day.

The magician himself (the selfish uncle) in The Magician’s Nephew could not hear the animals speaking in land of Narnia. This is because when we first heard them speaking, he assumed it was absolutely preposterous, and that there was no way an animal could possibly speak. Then, from there, slowly, it turned from refusing to believe that they could speak, to not actually being able to physically hear them speaking at all, and only being able to hear growls from them.

I believe the intended message here is about God and the religious world, and being unable to hear God anymore if you have refused to believe anything you see or hear has to do with him. (Excuse the small h, it is what I am comfortable with.)

However, it doesn’t have to just be about God, and I think it can be a general statement about being caught up in a way of thinking that other phenomena get ignored. To get all Kuhnian, it would be ignoring what our paradigm considers anomalies. (After writing this though, I am not sure how similar these two ideas are though, and I will be sticking with the Narnia one when in doubt.)

Anyways, regardless if it is about science or religion, the concept that there are things that make us physically unable to see or hear the Truth (excuse the big T) is something that I have been thinking about a lot.

I group it all under alienation, but I am not sure if this is Correct.

For example, alienation from reality due to not seeing the trees and the sky and the concrete outside your window, but only short form videos on your phone.

Or alienation from history and humanity due to have experienced so much fiction that history and humanity do not feel any heavier than any other story.

The idea from Narnia is that this isn’t a matter of just needing to look up from your phone, or from your TV show or video game, the idea is that even when you look up, you are no longer physically able to see the Truth.

As an aside dear Reader, I have alluded to it, but I am more comfortable with Truth than I am with God. Feel free to judge on that what you will.

I mention phones and TV shows, but it can be painted with a very wide brush by just saying “modern society” (too wide?). Are there Truths that modern society has influenced us into not being able to see? Is this why we go hiking and camping?

A sticking point in all this is that it is saying that there are some things that humans can consider as the Truth if unimpeded. A more Materialist (as in only the material world exists, not consumerist) approach would be there is only a combination of instinctual nature, and learned nurture. This approach is more comfortable for me, and it paints any human predisposed notions of Truth as perhaps a cognitive mix of instincts and societal norms.

This is where I always bring up Robert Pirsig’s Lila in my head, but I am not ready to go there yet, so I will leave these thoughts unfinished for now.

It’s been roughly a month since my son was born.

My wife and him are still in the hospital.

There were multiple things wrong with my wife after birth, and now there is only one left. This gives it the sounding of “getting better”, but it is still uncertain why this one thing is not getting better, and while we have various treatment options, they come with consequences (the main alternative means she cannot breastfeed).

I am in a good space, until I see my wife succumbing to the stress of it all, and then I become a bit of a wreck. In those instances, I don’t show that to my wife, as really, my only role in those situations is to be her rock (which I hope I am doing an okay job of), but call it codependency or whatever, but it takes an emotional toll on me.

The hospital has been great. My wife voices concerns of us not having enough time with our son, and they are bending all the rules for us. My son can now spend all day with my wife in her room. This sort of thing is normal in a maternity hospital, but not a university hospital that is primarily looking after babies who were born way too early. Nurses are okay with this on varying degrees, and it is a little frustrating when the nurse you deal with isn’t privy to the situation.

The change of our lives with my wife’s pregnancy was a gradual one (for me at least). She could not drink alcohol right away, and had morning sickness among other things, but stayed a home, continued to work, and we continued to live a modified version of our lives.

With the birth, and the subsequent (at least) monthlong hospital stay, it has been a less gradual change. My wife has changed in phenomenal ways. For me, the initial change of being on autopilot has subsided, and I am living like a bachelor with fluctuating degrees of hope. I don’t clean up messes right away. I haven’t jogged in a while. I try to focus on work. This didn’t work well one day when my wife was having a tough time, and now I’m thinking of working half days every day.

I drove to the hospital yesterday for the first time in over a week, and it did take some getting used to again. I still have hangups when driving. I prefer to park not close to other cars. I can get flustered if I’m going somewhere for the first time. I am hyper aware of the cars around me, and wonder if they think I’m going too slow, or am doing something else strange.

There is still uncertainty, and there are still some painful feelings, but when I am with my wife and son, there is only joy, and it is a joy I have never felt before.

I am here to support my wife and love my son. I wish I could focus more on my mental wellbeing. As I have mentioned before, this is beneficial to all involved, but it is hard to do.

I hope my wife can continue to breastfeed and her final issue will go away soon.

The other day my wife’s doctor was talking about situations for leaving the hospital, and unfortunately it looks like two requirements aren’t met.

My wife told me this as we were in the baby room looking after our son, in a very calming soothing voice so as not to disturb him.

I’m sure all new fathers feel this way, but I just could not believe how she transformed into this amazing, mature mother. Calmly telling me what was happening while giving our son all the love and attention he needs, as well as all the milk and diaper changes that he needs. (I am now trained and ready to give milk and change diapers on my visits.)

She is with our son for many hours a day, and I have only been really able to visit once a week for about an hour or so at a time, so her connection is obviously much stronger, but her behavior truly inspired me calm down and just do what needs to be done in the situation. (In the old fashioned times, we may have said “be a man”.)

I will be working a full week next week, and will be focusing on work as much as it requires. I’ve been taking some time off, but if my wife is still in the hospital with our son, I need to focus on what gives us the ability to have a good life, and ensure that I do a very good job of it. The more vacation days I use now, the less I can use when my wife and son are back at home. I must provide.

My rush to have our house clean was good, but there is no longer a rush, and I need to figure out how to fundamentally make our house clean and a good place for a baby. Floor coating is 5 years too late, but still a good idea. We have rooms that haven’t been properly organized ever, and this is the time that it can be done.

Lastly, I need to stop with the Uber Eats comfort food. This is the perfect time to increase the amount of savings we can do each month.

The time for hyper focusing on emotions and all that feels like it is over, and further processing should be done through constructive actions that lead to making our lives better.

We’re taking it one day at a time.

My wife is getting better, but things can always get worse again.

Things getting better doesn’t mean everything is getting better, or everything will get better enough to come home anytime soon. We don’t know.

However, things are getting better.

With such uncertainty, the normalcy created is a one day at a time normalcy.

My favorite part of the day is seeing my wife. When we text back and forth, I don’t ask her for updates on her health or all these things, but keep the conversation about lighter things. When we meet, we can discuss all those details face to face as we hold hands and enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve went back to work, and that keeps my mind out of negative thoughts, which is great, and also people have been very kind to me. At first I was worried about having lots of questions about if my wife is okay, and while that is kind of the people, it is tiring to have to say something. The trick is to just from the very beginning give people no need to worry.

“My wife needs to be in the hospital a little while longer, and so I’ll work in the meantime. Nothing to worry about.”

Finished. This sort of thing happens all the time.

When you’re less emotionally invested, it’s easy to think that, and when hindsight proves you right, you can subconsciously go “just as I thought”. Nice and neat.

And when things didn’t happen as you planned, and something unfortunate happens, you can go “oh wow, I really didn’t expect that”. Then you can continue about your day, and maybe even add a minute or two of solemn reflection on life.

I am emotionally invested though, and so I need to take things one day at a time, and enjoy the time with my wife

As we take it one day at a time, we wait for the doctors to be able to say “we think you’ll be able to go home at this time.”

We no longer ask though, because if things are unsure, what can they really say? “We need to wait and see”. We are currently waiting and seeing. We understand this.

I can’t see my son so much, but my wife goes to him 5 or 6 times a day for an hour long each time. They are forming a great bond. She also gets to sleep a full night each night, which is lucky. Things aren’t all bad.

Hoping for the best.

—-

To end on a tangent, and something more infused with the pure kindness of people: while many people in my office congratulated me on the birth of my son (and on my haircut, I have cut off 30cm of hair), one colleague felt is absolutely necessary that he shake my hand, and he had the most pure happy smile on his face when he did it. He was just so incredibly happy for me. I could be jealous at how nice of a person he is.

It feels weird to have fun with my wife and son in the hospital. (My son is fine, but my wife is not.)

I don’t want to do it.

The proper alternative is to be productive.

The more likely is to waste time on things that are not fun but also aren’t meaningful.

I can stare at my phone without fun or meaning.

That is not a good road to go down.

And so my mission is to support them. To do this I need to make sure I am as physically and mentally fit as possible.

This means allowing myself to have fun.

I still don’t want to though.

Once I have word that everything will be fine, then I will want to have fun. We thought we had it, but something else came up.

We will get there. Just taking longer than expected.

Just talking to myself.

I have a good friend.

I have many good friends (well, maybe many is too much of a stretch), but today I am talking about a good friend that I met up with a few days ago. It was the first time I met with a friend properly to chat since my wife gave birth. My friend has two kids, I believe in high school and in junior high.

My friend said a few things that really stuck with me:

First, on saying that there’s a very good elementary school near my house, and it would be cool if my son could go there, she said that if that was really an intention of mine, then he would likely need to go to juku from the age of 2.

I (perhaps obviously) do not want to send my son to juku at the age of 2. I said this. I still have the arrogance to think that just being around a genius like myself would make my son smart enough to do anything, but I admit that this thought of mine may be silly. At the very least it is unrealized and abstract.

Second, she made a philosophical distinction between those who have kids and those who don’t, and how their worldview is different. She talked about the importance of having friends that also don’t have kids, and that I was one of those friends for her for over a decade. She said that in our hour-long conversation, we had not talked about more than kids, and that with people who don’t have kids, that doesn’t happen. You talk about interests and dreams and stuff, and not kids.

At first my only thought was that I only care about my wife and son, fuck everything else, but I see that that is a feeling very specific to my very current situation. Of course I want to continue to be friends with friends that don’t have kids, that is obvious, but I had not thought about the difference at all. I had not thought about myself until two weeks ago. Was I just trying to be polite to ask about people’s kids? I suppose the interest is different from now. It is true that I didn’t really care to see people’s baby photos, but would ask just because it was the nice thing to do. I am definitely on the other side of something now here. I am holding back showing baby photos with all my power. I don’t really think these feelings can be applied to anyone but myself though.

Anyways, lastly, we talked about screens and video games, and how my wife and I were going to do things differently. She said that most parents don’t go into raising their child thinking they’re going to let their iPad do all the heavy lifting, but then it works and you get peace, and all you want sometimes is some peace after being sleep deprived for years. For video games, I pondered when would be a good time to allow them to be played, and also brought up smart phones, and her main point was that nothing should have the kid feel left out at school. If their friends are playing games and have a smart phone, and they don’t, then they could be an outcast. It is better to teach how to use, as opposed to completely cut off. My initial reaction to this goes back to school, as why would I want to have my son in a place where if he doesn’t play Fortnite by age 7, he cannot relate to anyone? It also made me think about how much harder slippery slopes can be, and how leading by example would be a huge pain in the butt.

I consider my friend to be very smart in a non-show off-y way, and while I don’t know how much I agree with what she said, all of it has been something that I have been pondering the last few days since we met.

So there’s that to think about.

I don’t really think I have an issue with my home country of Canada, but for some reason I did pack up my life in 2005 at 21 years old and move to Japan. I haven’t seriously entertained the idea of moving back to Canada in the last 20 years, and being in Canada makes me a little apprehensive in some ways I have yet to fully try to understand.

Still, sometimes in the evening when I have had a little wine, I get nostalgic for Canadian music of the 90’s. This can lead to complicated feelings about what Canada is, and why should I feel any affinity for this music that for the most part came thousands of kilometers away in Ontario, but these aren’t complicated serious feelings for the most part. There’s also my affinity from music from Winnipeg, Propagandhi and John K Samson yes, but also Greg MacPherson of whom I have likely listened to a lot more of, and think he is still based in Winnipeg. I don’t think he has a social media site where he publishes such personal information on himself though.

I am losing my focus now.

The point is that my relationship with Canada is tenuous, if that word can be used in this situation.

And now, like the theme of so many of my blog posts, I introduce how my son affects all of this.

It’s super easy to say, but I do plan to speak to my son only in English. I had no real interest at first in showing anything Canadian. As I had mentioned, but I plan on reading Narnia to him every day. (As mentioned, this started while in the womb, but due to complications, we are on a little break. Shame as we were almost at the end of the Magician’s Nephew!) I was thinking of picking up some Lloyd Alexander books as well. The First Two Lives of Lukas-Kasha is a favorite of mine. Maybe Lord of the Rings? Too early? Yes, my thinking is likely silly, but I still want to do it.

When thinking about music and television however, I was drawn to Canada. To be fair, I was drawn to Mr Rogers first, and he is an American. The calm nature of Mr Rogers giving a routine and letting you know you are special is something I think anyone at any age can benefit from having in their life. With all my heart, fuck the cynical coolness that has taken over everything, including parts of my soul I’m sure. This is not an original sentiment I am sure, and I take zero credit for it, but please allow me to parrot it.

After looking at Mr Rogers DVD options and DVD players that can play such things, I moved on to Fred Penner, who is Canadian, and who meant so very much to me growing up. I could not find any way to procure Mr Penner’s TV show, but his albums are on Apple Music, and so I revisited one I hadn’t listened to in decades: Happy Feet. Like the other one I knew well, the Cat Came Back, it is just unashamedly happy fun music. I had put on the Cat Came Back over the years, especially liking the Story of Blunder (a 10 minute tale on how if you want people to be nice to you, you should be nice yourself), but I had not for Happy Feet. I think Happy Feet is mainly covers of old happy jazz songs, but there is not Wikipedia page for the album, and so here we are. Anyways, the thought to want to play these songs for my son came up, but more strongly the thought to want to sing these songs for my son came up in me.

I had started my thoughts with Canada, but I don’t think that I have really ended up there after all. I thought this was about finding parts of my Canadian identity that I want to share with my son, and that I feel are a part of me, but in the end, I am not sure if that is the conclusion that is best to draw.

I am listening to three songs by Vivat Virtute now, released in June of 2023. John K Samson’s voice always reminds me of “Canada”, but the connection between “Canada”, and my life in Surrey is unexplored for me, as it is with the 90’s music I watched on Ontario’s Much Music. Watching non-Canadian punk bands at the Croatian Cultural Center or Mesa Luna in Vancouver is something less abstract. It’s not like just because the Matthew Good Band came from Coquitlam that I have this affinity for them that I don’t for the Gandharvas or something.

I don’t know. I’m going to buy Mr Rogers DVDs and sing Fred Penner songs, and hopefully my son won’t roll his eyes too too early at it all.

Edit: no disrespect meant for not mentioning Mr Dressup. For whatever reason, he wasn’t on my mind with these thoughts.

Writing a blog can be a fun thing to do to try and inject a little extra meaning in your life. It can be a place to collect thoughts, connect dots, and give yourself the impression you may be a little deep after all in the process.

Sometimes life happens and you don’t need anything to inject meaning into your life, and in fact life has given you more than enough meaning to deal with, and you are sort of running on an auto-pilot in a completely new situation, which feels like it should be a contradiction.

When my wife’s pregnancy was difficult, when looking online or hearing what doctors said, it was all just part of the process. Never did we properly look into the extent of the issues she had. Now that she is receiving proper treatment, but with no end in sight to her hospital stay, we realize that this was perhaps not the right way to go about it.

I am more than thrilled that our son was born last week. It has changed the insides of me in ways I do not quite grasp yet. However, there is no time to think about this just now. From the maternity hospital being unable to care for my wife after birth, to seeing her being transported in a bumpy ambulance ride with a fresh c-section to a university hospital thirty minutes away, to hearing about the non-stop tests needed for all the issues they have found with her, time has been used to try and process what my wife is going through.

She is safe now, and on the road to getting stronger than ever, but in those first few days I was on auto-pilot going to the hospital with my son, and ensuring a connection there, then going to the hospital with my wife, and giving any support I could. I wondered if I would care for my son on my own for a bit. I wondered if my wife would die, or would never be the same again. These unknowns gave me such an amazing stress. The thought of losing my wife hurt in ways so painful.

I frantically cleaned our house. Our son was a little over two weeks early, and we weren’t fully ready. I confirmed when everything we ordered would be delivered, ensuring enough time to assemble everything. I tried to talk to others about the issues enough to feel relief.

During pregnancy, we had our routines. I would do the shopping and cleaning. I knew what to buy my wife every morning for breakfast. I knew what sort of things she wanted for dinner. Now we are either in between routines or at the beginning of a new one. It feels like a purgatory of sorts.

The doctors and nurses at the university hospital have been great. The doctor we talked to yesterday looked to be in his early 20’s (possibly a trainee) and the way he spoke was very calm and with respect. He also showed his determination to get my wife better so we can all go home together soon, which was touching. Once they realized my wife’s stay would not be short, they moved our son to her hospital. Every step of the way, when they saw something taking the humanity out of my wife, without being asked to, they proactively found a solution to allow her to maintain her humanity. For this I am eternally grateful and deeply touched, and I will make sure to act accordingly in my life from now on to all others. I know allowing people to maintain their humanity is something sadly easy to overlook.

Our son is healthy. Like any newborn, he sleeps a lot and he drinks a lot of milk (special baby milk, not sure if it’s just milk in English). He’s cute. I love him to pieces.

I love my wife more than ever. Perhaps obvious, but the feeling is stronger than it has ever been. In her road to get healthy, I realize I need to get healthy myself. This action will be the manifestation of my love for her, to have it as more than an abstract feeling, but as a lifestyle shift against a comfortable lifestyle we have had for years.

Writing this out is therapy. It is seeing things get better, and feeling that I can allow myself to spend some time on processing everything. I am collecting thoughts. I don’t feel I am connecting dots just yet.

There are a million more things to process. Maybe they will be in a blog. Maybe they will be thoughts as I jog, or thoughts in the shower. Maybe they will come out during conversations with friends and family that I love and cherish. I don’t know.

I have often not liked having to make small talk with people I don’t know. I would rather that they realize that I am not in the mood, and then we can have a comfortable silence.

However, after my son is born, I would hate to be out with him, and him see me being bad at small talk. He may think that is normal. He may think that his dad can’t do something. Both outcomes don’t seem favorable for me, and therefore I must be better at small talk.

Amane and I took a trip to Izu this weekend (note: I wrote this a few before I published it), and there were a lot of occasions to make small talk with strangers. The husband of the bed and breakfast we stayed at who drove us to and from the station. The wife of the same bed and breakfast who walked us through our room and our meals. The taxi drivers to and from places. The owner of the burger place we had lunch. I would have loved to be quiet and awkward, but what would my son think?

I think about this motivation. If I think something is ultimately good, why do I need to have a child to act on that? This is the same with video games, which I think I have mentioned before. The same way of thinking permeates everything, at least for now when the child is not “realized” (is not born). Maybe when he’s born (hopefully there are no issues) then I will realize it’s fine to be quite awkward me, but I really hope not.

I love this aspect of becoming a father. I love to finally have motivation to be a better person. I lament not wanting to earlier. It is good.

A friend of mine from my youth got divorced a few years ago, and the reason was for her two daughters. You usually hear of people staying together for the kids, but for her it was very clear. For her husband had often belittled her in front of her kids, and she didn’t want them to think that it’s okay for a woman to be belittled like that. She needed to show them women can be strong and walk away from those situations.

Lots of motivation from children. As I may’ve mentioned, I hope to harness with feeling for the powers of good.