Klingsor's First Winter

Writing a blog can be a fun thing to do to try and inject a little extra meaning in your life. It can be a place to collect thoughts, connect dots, and give yourself the impression you may be a little deep after all in the process.

Sometimes life happens and you don’t need anything to inject meaning into your life, and in fact life has given you more than enough meaning to deal with, and you are sort of running on an auto-pilot in a completely new situation, which feels like it should be a contradiction.

When my wife’s pregnancy was difficult, when looking online or hearing what doctors said, it was all just part of the process. Never did we properly look into the extent of the issues she had. Now that she is receiving proper treatment, but with no end in sight to her hospital stay, we realize that this was perhaps not the right way to go about it.

I am more than thrilled that our son was born last week. It has changed the insides of me in ways I do not quite grasp yet. However, there is no time to think about this just now. From the maternity hospital being unable to care for my wife after birth, to seeing her being transported in a bumpy ambulance ride with a fresh c-section to a university hospital thirty minutes away, to hearing about the non-stop tests needed for all the issues they have found with her, time has been used to try and process what my wife is going through.

She is safe now, and on the road to getting stronger than ever, but in those first few days I was on auto-pilot going to the hospital with my son, and ensuring a connection there, then going to the hospital with my wife, and giving any support I could. I wondered if I would care for my son on my own for a bit. I wondered if my wife would die, or would never be the same again. These unknowns gave me such an amazing stress. The thought of losing my wife hurt in ways so painful.

I frantically cleaned our house. Our son was a little over two weeks early, and we weren’t fully ready. I confirmed when everything we ordered would be delivered, ensuring enough time to assemble everything. I tried to talk to others about the issues enough to feel relief.

During pregnancy, we had our routines. I would do the shopping and cleaning. I knew what to buy my wife every morning for breakfast. I knew what sort of things she wanted for dinner. Now we are either in between routines or at the beginning of a new one. It feels like a purgatory of sorts.

The doctors and nurses at the university hospital have been great. The doctor we talked to yesterday looked to be in his early 20’s (possibly a trainee) and the way he spoke was very calm and with respect. He also showed his determination to get my wife better so we can all go home together soon, which was touching. Once they realized my wife’s stay would not be short, they moved our son to her hospital. Every step of the way, when they saw something taking the humanity out of my wife, without being asked to, they proactively found a solution to allow her to maintain her humanity. For this I am eternally grateful and deeply touched, and I will make sure to act accordingly in my life from now on to all others. I know allowing people to maintain their humanity is something sadly easy to overlook.

Our son is healthy. Like any newborn, he sleeps a lot and he drinks a lot of milk (special baby milk, not sure if it’s just milk in English). He’s cute. I love him to pieces.

I love my wife more than ever. Perhaps obvious, but the feeling is stronger than it has ever been. In her road to get healthy, I realize I need to get healthy myself. This action will be the manifestation of my love for her, to have it as more than an abstract feeling, but as a lifestyle shift against a comfortable lifestyle we have had for years.

Writing this out is therapy. It is seeing things get better, and feeling that I can allow myself to spend some time on processing everything. I am collecting thoughts. I don’t feel I am connecting dots just yet.

There are a million more things to process. Maybe they will be in a blog. Maybe they will be thoughts as I jog, or thoughts in the shower. Maybe they will come out during conversations with friends and family that I love and cherish. I don’t know.

I have often not liked having to make small talk with people I don’t know. I would rather that they realize that I am not in the mood, and then we can have a comfortable silence.

However, after my son is born, I would hate to be out with him, and him see me being bad at small talk. He may think that is normal. He may think that his dad can’t do something. Both outcomes don’t seem favorable for me, and therefore I must be better at small talk.

Amane and I took a trip to Izu this weekend (note: I wrote this a few before I published it), and there were a lot of occasions to make small talk with strangers. The husband of the bed and breakfast we stayed at who drove us to and from the station. The wife of the same bed and breakfast who walked us through our room and our meals. The taxi drivers to and from places. The owner of the burger place we had lunch. I would have loved to be quiet and awkward, but what would my son think?

I think about this motivation. If I think something is ultimately good, why do I need to have a child to act on that? This is the same with video games, which I think I have mentioned before. The same way of thinking permeates everything, at least for now when the child is not “realized” (is not born). Maybe when he’s born (hopefully there are no issues) then I will realize it’s fine to be quite awkward me, but I really hope not.

I love this aspect of becoming a father. I love to finally have motivation to be a better person. I lament not wanting to earlier. It is good.

A friend of mine from my youth got divorced a few years ago, and the reason was for her two daughters. You usually hear of people staying together for the kids, but for her it was very clear. For her husband had often belittled her in front of her kids, and she didn’t want them to think that it’s okay for a woman to be belittled like that. She needed to show them women can be strong and walk away from those situations.

Lots of motivation from children. As I may’ve mentioned, I hope to harness with feeling for the powers of good.

I don’t mind if you’re critical of Nintendo, and I don’t mind if you’re critical of Japan. I quite like both, but also of course realize there are things about them that are perfectly valid to criticize. Furthermore, even if I don’t think something is valid to criticize, who am I? Who would I think I am that I have some sort of ability to judge the worth of what people are criticizing? I don’t. You don’t. We don’t. People can criticize things. It’s all good. The world keeps turning.

However, for whatever reason, I have found that it can irritate me to no end how people criticize Nintendo or Japan.

The main issue is there seems to be an underlying theme that both are severely irrational and if they ever step out of line, well, they need some colonials to tell them how the world works. This is the impression I usually get with how some people criticize. Please note colonials is my word for them, not how they self-identify. Their pith hats are figurative.

The recent example of this is the criticism of Nintendo making a cheaper version of the Switch 2 exclusively for the Japanese market, and how they avoided having scalpers with the intention of selling it overseas be interested in it. They did this by region locking it.

Kind of a kick in the pants to me, but hey, it makes sense.

First, no no, they don’t see it as a cheaper Japanese version, it’s obviously a more expensive foreign version. It’s not about scalpers, it’s about the plight of the foreigner living in Japan.

And by foreigner in Japan, we of course mean the native English speaker, and for some, we of course mean the American. Never mind that the majority of foreigners in Japan are not native English speakers, and are most definitely not Americans, and never mind this isn’t about combating anything about foreigners living in Japan at all, it is most definitely all about you the complainer. You are entitled to more, and Japan is not giving it to you.

As I said above, this is a kick in the pants to me too. I would love to be able to pay the cheap Japanese price for a Switch 2 that plays games in English too. I play the majority of games in Japanese, but there are some games I prefer to play in English, or at least have that option. Metroid for example, I much prefer English. Metal Gear Solid? I want English. Indie game that has a horrible Japanese translation? English please. Indie game with an amazing Japanese translation that I cannot fully appreciate? (i.e. Undertale/Deltarune): I will be choosing English. Everything else under the Goddamn sun? Japanese is lovely, thank you very much.

So you can let people know the expensive “American Switch 2” is the same price as other countries. When they run to American prices, you can remind them that American prices don’t include tax. (I’m not sure if Americans tip for electronics yet, but I don’t think so.)

There probably isn’t a point mentioning how much places like Brazil or Southeast Asia pay for games, and how expensive that is compared to wages there. There’s also no point in mentioning how tariffs affect countries that aren’t America. No one is listening. Nintendo needs to be taught a lesson.

There are complaints that the rest of the world is subsidizing the Japanese market. The only response to this is a reminder that Nintendo is not a government, and they are a company playing the game of capitalism. They are doing what they are doing because they believe it is what will make them the most money in the long run. There’s also that this imbalance seems to only be conveniently realized when it is in favor of the other. As a university professor I had once said, no one had ever came to her because she marked someone too high by mistake, only too low.

What I’m trying to say is there are reasons for things and the assumption of irrationality and the need to bring Nintendo or Japan down a peg so they conform to how you believe things should work is a bit much. Annoying, some may even say.

Now let’s look at a photo from I am guessing 2014 where I was amazed to play Secret of Mana (in Japanese) portably on a Wii U while having some tea with soy milk and honey in my apartment’s tatami room.

It’s funny how when you’re in bed and you close your eyes you can picture being in the bed you grew up in, place where the door is, where your desk is, imagine hearing the drier drying or the rain raining.

Whenever doing something, you can sort of view history only in terms of doing such things. When you are cozy in bed, you suddenly can feel a connection with every time you were cozy in bed before. When you brush your teeth, you remember all the other times you brushed your teeth.

I remember looking in the bathroom mirror around age 8, and staring at my face. I was thinking “this person will be an adult one day”. And now when I go back home, I usually stare in the same bathroom mirror feeling a connection with that thought.

Cold rain always makes me think of my youth in Vancouver.

I am easily influenced by my surroundings.

Leaving aside any judgement on this, it affects how I live as a Western immigrant in Japan. It is my desire to adapt to my surroundings. Even after 20 years, there are many situations where I am not sure what is the “correct” way to behave, and so I let the other person lead, and go with the flow. Honestly, I don’t think this is unique to me, and I think many people, Japanese or foreign, don’t know the correct way to behave in situations, and also go with the flow.

In some situations though, going with the flow means that there needs to be someone to lead the flow. Someone to have a sign to say unironically “This is how we do it”.

However, sometimes, no matter how foreign one may be, you need to be the one to lead the dance and say the above line.

This happens in every day interactions, probably thousands of times each day, but an explicit time I remember is when I was in charge of doing OJT for a new graduate hire at my previous job. A Japanese person just graduated university, and joined our company. They had a month of seminars and whatnot, and now they have a month of working in a department, and learning how to be an adult. It was me to teach them this.

In our many conversations one on one during this period, she voiced her concerns and anxieties about what was supposed to be done, it would have been incredibly silly to “go with the flow” here, and incredibly unhelpful to give that stereotypical foreign-esque “well in this society they do X, but really that’s dumb and we should all be doing Y!”

And so I did my best to lead the dance.

When on the phone, end what you’re saying with degozaimasu not desu. It depends on the situation, but you’ll notice that’s the custom here.

If you didn’t catch their name, just calmly ask for it. No need to panic.

When you don’t know the answer, don’t say what is likely the answer, always confirm. You will be held accountable for what you say.

And so on. And so on.

There were some times when I needed to take my own advice.

I am happy you feel comfortable asking me that, but I honestly don’t know the answer. Perhaps ask a Japanese colleague? I would love to know the answer myself.

And so on.

The other day I had procured a temporary furnished apartment for someone from head office coming on assignment to our office. The person from the apartment company came to our office to finalize the contract.

She was Indonesian, and my guess was about 23 or 24. She said she had worked there for a little over a year, and my guess was that it was her first job after university.

She had the businessman job of casually asking me questions in an effort to get to know our needs better. We talk about our experience in Japan.

I’ve been here 20 years.

I am the only HR here. Yes, a lot of things are done in Japanese.

How about you? 90% Japanese? Oh wow, I hope it’s nice to speak English sometimes. Do you know any other languages?

Today when I was doing my comprehensive health check, I was in full autopilot mode. The nurses do this however many times a day, every working day. They know what they’re doing. Lead away, nurses. Tell me how to do it.

Some speak regular Japanese. Some speak slow Japanese. Some speak slow Japanese, but are still hard to understand due to their “simple Japanese” not making any sense, leading to you be confused, and them confirming their biases that they’re going to have to make it even simpler.

Near the end of the ordeal, I was ready for the doctor’s consultation (usually at the end of the checkup), but before that could happen, I was ushered into a small little room. This was new.

I was ready to be in auto-pilot and waltz with my partner, but it wasn’t that kind of situation.

She explained why I was there.

Yes, that is my BMI. Yes, my waist has expanded a little hasn’t it. Oh, my glucose is high now?

She tried to lead the conversation on eating healthier and getting more exercise, but it was not an autopilot moment for me. I just wanted to jump through all the hoops, and tick all the boxes and go, but this was a qualitative moment.

I guess I do snack a lot.

Yes, I go to the convenience store and buy bread. No, not that kind, like with a sausage. (I didn’t admit my love of koppe-pan)

Yes, that’s a good idea, I could eat these lower calorie substitutes.

At the end she asked where I was from and how long I’ve been in Japan.

Canada, and about 20 years. Perhaps too long, isn’t it?

She responded that she actually wasn’t Japanese herself. (She didn’t exactly look Japanese, but we’re all beautiful snowflakes, and her name tag showed a common Japanese surname, so I didn’t think anything deep.)

Do you know about Uyghurs? I’m an Uyghur. I also came here 20 years ago, when I was 8. Perhaps it is too long.

And I don’t know. The dance metaphor stopped working. This was supposed to be a real conversation with two souls expressing themselves and make a small connection. That was how to do it.

I mumbled something silly in return, and was out of there.

Next was the doctor’s consultation, which was perfectly possible to do on autopilot.

Yes, I have gained weight.

Yes those numbers are a little higher.

You want to hear me breathe? Sure.

Okay. Thank you. Good-bye.

You know how you want to know the time in Vancouver, to see if it’s an appropriate time to text your mom, and so you Google “time in Van”, but then it gives you the time in Van, Turkey, and not Vancouver.

And then you look up where Van is on Google Maps, and then you read the Wikipedia article about it.

Then, sometimes when you’re looking up the time in Vancouver, and typing it in properly so there’s no mistakes, you look up the time in Van anyways, because it feels like the right thing to do.

As of right now, it’s before 6am in Vancouver, so unless my mom has insomnia, she’s not responding.

It’s just before 4pm in Van, Turkey. If my mom lived there, we would be golden.

Life would be quite different though.

A friend I hadn’t seen for 20 years gave me pics today of our trek up the Black Tusk in 2005. I sent some to my mom, as one does. She’ll see them when she wakes up.

I haven’t always liked video games as much as I do now.

I played them as a kid, sure.

Once I was 15 and got a part-time job, I had spending money to buy a game or two a month. I did this. I didn’t really beat anything of them though, I got bored of games before I could.

When I was 18 or 19, I lost interest in video games for the most part. I went out with friends. Dated. Read books. Went hiking. Things like that.

When I moved to Japan at 21, I bought a Super Famicom right away, and brought some Gameboy Advance games. I liked games, but I didn’t really play them too often.

As I “grew up”, my gaming hobby became more and more intense, and looking in my office at my home, it is probably the most intense it has ever been now. I didn’t really think about it though, it just sort of happened.

With a child on the way, I think about it a lot more now. All of a sudden, I don’t think video games are good. Books and nature are obviously much better. I wouldn’t want any son of mine to just spend all day thinking about or playing games. What a waste!

Wait, how do I spend my time off again?

So there is a dilemma of sorts in my head. If I think that video games aren’t good for someone to obsess about, and I obsess about video games, then quite obviously, I shouldn’t be thinking about and playing video games so much. The problem is that I find it quite fun to do so.

Sometimes I am told that I take things too seriously and think about things too much. Video games are a part of our world, parents play video games too. Hey man, it’s okay to play video games you know. You’re doing nothing wrong.

The bolded dear reader is what I hate more than evil itself, for I am not an elementary school student, and I do not take solace in the fact that it is not considered wrong. I think I am doing something wrong, and as the person who is me, that opinion carries a lot of weight. There’s also this belief that something that (to me) can only ever be completely and utterly subjective can be tackled with such seemingly objective phrasing.

So will I give up my video gaming hobby? Honestly, not likely. At least not right away.

Do I want to scale it down a lot? Yes. Very very much yes. I can’t part with video games before I have finished the complete Suikoden series. Of course I want to have the experience of playing Dragon Quest with my son. What father would not? I just don’t want to think about spare time in terms of video games I can play. I don’t want to have a list of games I want to finish at any time. I want some separation from the hobby, and reduce the mindshare (if that’s a word) it has in my head.

In case it wasn’t clear, the “winter” in the title is metaphorical. Literally speaking, if you live in a place where the winter is quite cold, video games in winter is a great time. If you live in a place where summer is horribly hot though, they’re a great time in the summer as well.

Below is a photo I took from Suikoden III. A people on the edges of the grasslands were able to join the neighboring empire, but not yet as equals. It’s titillating.

We live in a society that misuses words until they have no meaning. I think this is a primarily American trait, but I could be wrong, and that is neither here nor there in the point I am trying to make.

I think divorce when used figuratively is usually not given its full weight. As a man who has gone through the practice of divorce, I will give my take on what it should mean figuratively and apply it to America as one who is not American.

Divorce is not merely separating, and dividing up what is mine and yours. That’s a high school break up or something, where you lose your favorite hat because she says she doesn’t have it, but you know she does, but her new boyfriend will kick your ass if you go near her house. Divorce is more than this.

First, I think ripping apart is a proper way to describe it. There is no precise incision. It is messy, and the mess will go places you don’t expect it to go.

Second, before the divorce, you never really thought about what was there’s and what was yours. I thought we liked adventure, but it was actually me just tagging along? All those punk albums you listened to through me. That way we prepare coffee in the morning? All these small insignificant things that we thought of as us, half of them were actually them, some were us, and some could only happen with us together. Most of that is then gone and needs to be readapted willingly after divorce.

Lastly, there is the massive void when they have left. Maybe high school breakups are the same here, but let’s ignore that. There’s trying to fill that void. That person was a part of your being, and now it’s just empty. They fit so well, regardless if the whole relationship was toxic or not.

So now let’s apply this to America, looking from the perspective of a person who is not from America, and specifically as a Canadian who lives in Japan (because that is me).

First, the hopefully obvious needs to be said: no hate to any Americans (love my American friends and many of whom I consider to be my super friends are American). Pondering divorcing America doesn’t mean you can’t share nachos with Steve from San Antonio, America on Sundays. We all know Steve is a stand up guy, and probably better than we are. Hopefully he enjoys nacho Sundays with his Canadian buddy as much as we do.

Perhaps less obvious, no hate even to American decisions, at least specific to the context with what I am writing here. In the divorce metaphor, America has decided to change who they are, and that is their right. We can go along with it and try to find a way to make it work, or we can go for divorce. That is our decision and our right. Everyone has a choice. Viva freedom.

The first thing in divorcing America, is the realization about how many things are American. Anything that is normal is American. Our operating systems on our phones and computers are American. Our streaming services are American. So so much of the music and movies that we listen to and watch are American. While this is all American, it has never been thought of as such before, for it was is. As I’ve always said, Seattle is closer to Vancouver, and more culturally similar than Toronto. I’ve been to Seattle, I haven’t been to Toronto. However now, Seattle is in America, and Toronto is in Not America. (Please note I can only compare my perceptions of things when I still lived in Canada, so things may have moved on from 2005, even if I did not.)

Perhaps even before 2005, famously the most popular show on the CBC in Canada was reruns of the Simpsons. Perhaps Hockey Night in Canada was also up there, I forget now. However both are part of an identity. In elementary school after an episode of the Simpsons aired on television, we would all reference it and job about it the next day. Through divorcing America, it no longer becomes ours. It’s weird. The things that are distinctly Canadian (defined as normal to me, but not normal to an America) were not normal, but unique. Two different shades of identity.

All these cultural things, all these technological things, all of them just were normal, but that by definition made them American. So now if you look at current the changes of the American psyche, and if you decide divorce is the best option, ignoring the economic and security aspect, the void that it leaves is humongous. Once realizing what they have been for us, it’s scary to imagine something without it, and how we will have to grow to empower ourselves to make it work. Do we watch British TV now? Listen to French music?

There are also second thoughts in divorce. What if divorce is too harsh? Surely they’ll change in a few years? Surely this is just a phase? But what are the risks of believing that? Sure, they change in four years, but then in another four years it’s the same old thing. Do we have to uproot our entire lives every four years for the collective temper tantrums of a nation? They are not us, and it is their problem to fix. We can wish them the best, but surely we do not want them to drag us down with them. We need to employ some self-care, and ensure that we empower ourselves to be who we want to be. Maybe they’re giving us that chance to do that now? Maybe what we will fill this void with is something better than what was before?

Divorce is scary, and before you pull the trigger to do so, it feels like a fever dream. However, what I have learned personally is that once you pull the trigger, it is not magically over, and it feels like you have to pull that trigger over and over again every day, and it does not get easier with every pull, but if anything harder and more painful, leaving more scars, but you continue to do it because you are sure in your heart that you are worth it and that there is a better life out there.

So do we, the non-Americans of the world, divorce America? Do we quietly work towards it, hoping they don’t notice, so that we can do it in one swift motion when we’ve made ourselves empowered enough? Have that apartment secured on the other side of town first?

Or how can it have come to this? They are our normal! Why does it have to change? It was so nice before. It was so comfortable before. There was nothing wrong. This shall surely pass. Come on. This is natural. This is what we are.

As merely a mental exercise, I sometimes think about divorcing from America. It would create a huge fucking void though. What if Fugazi end their hiatus? I wanted to watch Bill Burr’s new special for fuck’s sake. I want to have a computer and phone with an operating system. Maybe an old Japanese phone? I do like British humor though, so maybe it’s not all bad.

So many American things are awesome though, thinking about it.

To preface, I try to always make sure I am writing about me and not you (even if I use the proverbial you or the proverbial we). Any opinions I am not prescribing onto others. I do not talk of any masses, or at least I try not to. I am talking about little old me.

I often feel that a lot of pop-science words and concepts make simple things cloudy. For example, tricks to get your serotonin up, or figure out what you need to do to have more dopamine. Or perhaps what is causing dopamine, so that I can be careful about, because dopamine after dinner isn’t good. For me, this is clouding things with pop-science. It is much easier for me to say that I feel good after I run. I am more motivated when my room is clean. Being nice to people makes me feel good about life. Simple simple things. No need for naming chemical reactions that go off in my brain the same time that I do them.

So there’s needlessly complicating, but with pop-science stuff, there is also (to me) concepts hiding other potential truths. I am not a man of metaphysics I don’t think, but with wording like controlling your midocondriates, (to me) it infers a causal relationship. If our phase neutrons are of X value, then we will feel Y. As opposed to Y being the cause and the raise in phase neutrons being the effect. Maybe artificially raising X makes us sense a bitter emptiness of life that is a phantom in itself because it is akin to Y, but ultimately not? What if there is Z? What if Z does both AND MORE? I think saying things make you feel warm and fuzzy inside doesn’t hide away these possibilities, and saying that you need a dopamine rush does. To me.

Z was conspicuously, but secretly the soul in the last paragraph, but it can also just be anything not individualized. Family, friends, society, etc. If I’m home all day, I feel better when I walk around an area with lots of people. It’s nice being close to people? Evolutionary predisposition to those of similar species to increase levels of picobitters in the duodenum? I prefer the former.

Lastly, all of it seems to be saying to me that we don’t know ourselves, and we need some grifter to tell us how to know ourselves. I don’t need a pop-psychologist Canadian grifter to tell me cleaning my room is good for me. I know that already. I know water is good (not too much). I know walking is good (I guess not too much?). I know leafy greens are good (except the ones that are bad, and probably not too much as well). I know dancing is fun (there is no too much for dancing).

What I’m trying to say is that for my run this morning, it was the first time in a long time I set an attainable goal for myself, made the attainable goal for myself, at a speed faster than I expected, and it made me feel like a million bucks, like a real super star just being on top of the world. And then I thought of grifters and science words, and then I said “pwah”.

I will run again tomorrow with the same goal, and with motivation to make that goal.

a quick edit: Just in case it is not clear, I am not in any way talking about people’s experience with mental illness, nor am I putting forth something that is anti-medicine.

I haven’t read them all. By that I mean I haven’t read War and Peace. I think I’ve read the first 50 pages a million times or so, and the first 100 pages two or three times. I don’t read much these days due to unlimited short form videos turning my brain to mush, but I do dream of reading it. What would my unborn son think if he saw this on my bookshelf and knew I hadn’t read it but meant to. He would say “man up dad”. Or he would internalize that it’s okay to say you want to do something, but just do nothing instead. The horror.

Anna Karenina has to be the greatest novel of all time, right? I had thought the Brothers Karamazov was an all encompassing treatise on the human condition, but no! Does it touch love in this way? The core of Levin’s plight is what it means to be human? I have two pages on this book on my wall, framed. A cheap frame, but effort was involved nonetheless.

Crime and Punishment as I mentioned makes you want to kill yourself for 200 pages. This is the original Final Fantasy XIII’s “it gets good after 20 hours”. They’re not a bad 200 pages. Just man… It feels like a very different story at the end, and I guess if I looked it up, it may say it was published in bits and perhaps over a long period of time. The man talking about his daughter, about how he ruined his family… was rough.

The Brothers Karamazov has the Spanish Inquisition chapter and the chapter where Ivan talks to the devil. Two very powerful chapters. Each brother took on a characteristic of man to me (I’m not sure if that’s the consensus, I forgot what the wikipedia page said) and the bastard is man, shit-stained and all. This has to be the second greatest novel ever.

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Rosshalde is my first early Hesse book. The child’s descent into sickness is brilliant.

The Magus (barely seen) is a book I hope and pray never gets found by the douchebags, because I fear they would love it. That would be more painful than when some Gen Z Tiktoker called Pinkerton “Incel bullshit”. Leave The Magus alone. Stay away.

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I like Penguin’s clothbound series. Makes me feel like a big man.