Words and not words

I was worried over the last few weeks about my wife’s health and stressed about the uncertainty of it all.

Now that they’re home, this uncertainty has somewhat gone away. I mean, life is always uncertain and I’ll find reasons to be worried about everything, but we made it here.

There’s now a baby in my life that will forever be there, forever changing every aspect of my life forever.

I got this I think, but not really. I thought about my video game schedules. I thought about which drinking parties I could make. However, perhaps in the trenches of the first week, all I can think about is how to survive as a parent.

Lack of sleep was something you can hear about, but hearing about it and experiencing it are obviously different.

Having a baby cry uncontrollably and not knowing why is something you can picture for a few minutes, but when you realize it’s not going away ever, and it’s up to you to do the right thing, then it’s different.

In our baby bath styrofoam thing we have, you put some warm water where you rest the baby’s body. I did this first and then got the baby ready. When I put the baby in it, it was lukewarm and the scream the baby made was out of this world. My wife rushed from the living room that is up a floor. In a panic, all I can think is I have to make the situation better as soon as possible. Pick up baby. Hug baby. Warm baby. Don’t drop baby. Get new warm water. Put in styrofoam thing. Don’t drop baby. Ensure thing is warm. Put baby baby back while showering baby’s body. Do the above in three seconds.

I should mention how unprepared I was. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong. It’s less about a place for things, and more about a mindful schedule for life. When to do what and why. It’s all not just shits and giggles. when he sleeps do laundry. Pay bills. Cook healthy food for wife (haven’t yet). Clean shit that gets everywhere. I couldn’t imagine any of it.

My wife’s back hurts a lot, and so she can only really breastfeed and even that hurts. She tries to do more because she feels bad, but that will just make her back hurt for longer.

There’s more to say, but first there’s this word jumble that’s trying to say that words don’t do this justice. I’m in the land of not words.

And this is obvious to all other parents. And I knew other parents. They’re everywhere.