Roughly a month

It’s been roughly a month since my son was born.

My wife and him are still in the hospital.

There were multiple things wrong with my wife after birth, and now there is only one left. This gives it the sounding of “getting better”, but it is still uncertain why this one thing is not getting better, and while we have various treatment options, they come with consequences (the main alternative means she cannot breastfeed).

I am in a good space, until I see my wife succumbing to the stress of it all, and then I become a bit of a wreck. In those instances, I don’t show that to my wife, as really, my only role in those situations is to be her rock (which I hope I am doing an okay job of), but call it codependency or whatever, but it takes an emotional toll on me.

The hospital has been great. My wife voices concerns of us not having enough time with our son, and they are bending all the rules for us. My son can now spend all day with my wife in her room. This sort of thing is normal in a maternity hospital, but not a university hospital that is primarily looking after babies who were born way too early. Nurses are okay with this on varying degrees, and it is a little frustrating when the nurse you deal with isn’t privy to the situation.

The change of our lives with my wife’s pregnancy was a gradual one (for me at least). She could not drink alcohol right away, and had morning sickness among other things, but stayed a home, continued to work, and we continued to live a modified version of our lives.

With the birth, and the subsequent (at least) monthlong hospital stay, it has been a less gradual change. My wife has changed in phenomenal ways. For me, the initial change of being on autopilot has subsided, and I am living like a bachelor with fluctuating degrees of hope. I don’t clean up messes right away. I haven’t jogged in a while. I try to focus on work. This didn’t work well one day when my wife was having a tough time, and now I’m thinking of working half days every day.

I drove to the hospital yesterday for the first time in over a week, and it did take some getting used to again. I still have hangups when driving. I prefer to park not close to other cars. I can get flustered if I’m going somewhere for the first time. I am hyper aware of the cars around me, and wonder if they think I’m going too slow, or am doing something else strange.

There is still uncertainty, and there are still some painful feelings, but when I am with my wife and son, there is only joy, and it is a joy I have never felt before.

I am here to support my wife and love my son. I wish I could focus more on my mental wellbeing. As I have mentioned before, this is beneficial to all involved, but it is hard to do.

I hope my wife can continue to breastfeed and her final issue will go away soon.