I am easily influenced by my surroundings.
Leaving aside any judgement on this, it affects how I live as a Western immigrant in Japan. It is my desire to adapt to my surroundings. Even after 20 years, there are many situations where I am not sure what is the “correct” way to behave, and so I let the other person lead, and go with the flow. Honestly, I don’t think this is unique to me, and I think many people, Japanese or foreign, don’t know the correct way to behave in situations, and also go with the flow.
In some situations though, going with the flow means that there needs to be someone to lead the flow. Someone to have a sign to say unironically “This is how we do it”.
However, sometimes, no matter how foreign one may be, you need to be the one to lead the dance and say the above line.
This happens in every day interactions, probably thousands of times each day, but an explicit time I remember is when I was in charge of doing OJT for a new graduate hire at my previous job. A Japanese person just graduated university, and joined our company. They had a month of seminars and whatnot, and now they have a month of working in a department, and learning how to be an adult. It was me to teach them this.
In our many conversations one on one during this period, she voiced her concerns and anxieties about what was supposed to be done, it would have been incredibly silly to “go with the flow” here, and incredibly unhelpful to give that stereotypical foreign-esque “well in this society they do X, but really that’s dumb and we should all be doing Y!”
And so I did my best to lead the dance.
When on the phone, end what you’re saying with degozaimasu not desu. It depends on the situation, but you’ll notice that’s the custom here.
If you didn’t catch their name, just calmly ask for it. No need to panic.
When you don’t know the answer, don’t say what is likely the answer, always confirm. You will be held accountable for what you say.
And so on. And so on.
There were some times when I needed to take my own advice.
I am happy you feel comfortable asking me that, but I honestly don’t know the answer. Perhaps ask a Japanese colleague? I would love to know the answer myself.
And so on.
The other day I had procured a temporary furnished apartment for someone from head office coming on assignment to our office. The person from the apartment company came to our office to finalize the contract.
She was Indonesian, and my guess was about 23 or 24. She said she had worked there for a little over a year, and my guess was that it was her first job after university.
She had the businessman job of casually asking me questions in an effort to get to know our needs better. We talk about our experience in Japan.
I’ve been here 20 years.
I am the only HR here. Yes, a lot of things are done in Japanese.
How about you? 90% Japanese? Oh wow, I hope it’s nice to speak English sometimes. Do you know any other languages?
Today when I was doing my comprehensive health check, I was in full autopilot mode. The nurses do this however many times a day, every working day. They know what they’re doing. Lead away, nurses. Tell me how to do it.
Some speak regular Japanese. Some speak slow Japanese. Some speak slow Japanese, but are still hard to understand due to their “simple Japanese” not making any sense, leading to you be confused, and them confirming their biases that they’re going to have to make it even simpler.
Near the end of the ordeal, I was ready for the doctor’s consultation (usually at the end of the checkup), but before that could happen, I was ushered into a small little room. This was new.
I was ready to be in auto-pilot and waltz with my partner, but it wasn’t that kind of situation.
She explained why I was there.
Yes, that is my BMI. Yes, my waist has expanded a little hasn’t it. Oh, my glucose is high now?
She tried to lead the conversation on eating healthier and getting more exercise, but it was not an autopilot moment for me. I just wanted to jump through all the hoops, and tick all the boxes and go, but this was a qualitative moment.
I guess I do snack a lot.
Yes, I go to the convenience store and buy bread. No, not that kind, like with a sausage. (I didn’t admit my love of koppe-pan)
Yes, that’s a good idea, I could eat these lower calorie substitutes.
At the end she asked where I was from and how long I’ve been in Japan.
Canada, and about 20 years. Perhaps too long, isn’t it?
She responded that she actually wasn’t Japanese herself. (She didn’t exactly look Japanese, but we’re all beautiful snowflakes, and her name tag showed a common Japanese surname, so I didn’t think anything deep.)
Do you know about Uyghurs? I’m an Uyghur. I also came here 20 years ago, when I was 8. Perhaps it is too long.
And I don’t know. The dance metaphor stopped working. This was supposed to be a real conversation with two souls expressing themselves and make a small connection. That was how to do it.
I mumbled something silly in return, and was out of there.
Next was the doctor’s consultation, which was perfectly possible to do on autopilot.
Yes, I have gained weight.
Yes those numbers are a little higher.
You want to hear me breathe? Sure.
Okay. Thank you. Good-bye.
Klingsor's First Winter 